They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
