Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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