One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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