Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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