Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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