Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
