Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i drank out of a bidet.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
