Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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