ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
