just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
He passed out mid-signature
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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