I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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