I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
