dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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