If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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