Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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