wrigley field is MILF paradise
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
