i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
