the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
MIDGETS
????
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
