I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
