Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
