I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
