Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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