i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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