Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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