so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
where are my eyebrows?
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