i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
God I need to hump something, right now.
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