If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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