i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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