mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
