I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
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Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
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Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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