I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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