Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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