I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
