When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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