How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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