she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i've created a new STD.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
