I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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