you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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