please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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