16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
