If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
