he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
