Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
