He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
