Even the bartender felt bad for me
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
