I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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