woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I supernannyed him into submission
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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