If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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