Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You did what with his pubic hair?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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