You're a womanizer and a bitch.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
