Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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