i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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