I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
