The maid of honor just puked.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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