My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
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Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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