one two three fourrrrnication!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize