yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
