It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
