watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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