a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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