I didn't shave. On purpose
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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